Messed up me

Having depression sucks and dealing with somebody who has it also sucks but it is life so we do what we can.

Nobody wants to feel as low as that and they certainly don’t need someone telling them to “just cheer up” or “Why don’t you go and do something you enjoy?“. Why didn’t they think of that? Problem solved. Let’s all go home.

I’m not writing anything different to what thousands if people have written before me. I know this but I also know what having clinical depression is like [Having being diagnosed 13 years ago, which is pretty much nearly half my life on this planet].

What I do know is that it helps to talk about it. No one that feels this way will want too; they feel like they’re burdening you ’cause they know that you have problems of your own to deal with or that there are worse things going on in the world so what the fact that they’re ‘down and out’ when they have a roof over their head, a job, a family that cares for them or a means of transport they can call their own seems trivial and then they feel even more stupid for how they feel and why they feel it [if there is an underlining reason to this ’bout’ of depression that has smacked them in the face].

But getting it out there and known is the first step to recovering from it. You don’t have to climb a building and scream it to the world and you don’t have to put it online. Just tell someone you trust. Just one person. That’s all you need to do.

For many years I dealt with it on my own. I would shut myself away and tell people i am fine just not feeling well even if I was sat there having suicidal thoughts just meters from them. I would always criticise myself every time I would get down cause I felt stupid for feeling that way [for the reasons given above].

But for the last year I’ve decided to be more open and forward about it. If I’ve been starting to head downhill, I would tell one or two of my immediate friends. Personally, I am not one for taking antidepressants, being numb from it all until my brain decided to correct itself but I don’t condemn them. They do help but it can be a case of trial and error when you first go on them and it is definitely not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that you want to make an active effort of getting better.

I regularly get hit for a couple of weeks multiple times a year and it can really hinder and put my life on hold. There are two times where I’ve gone on antidepressants from a huge downfall; first time about 7 years ago for about 6 months and more recently in September when I was seriously ill and I just kept spiralling downwards to the point where for the first time ever, I had actually contemplated suicide [What I would do? Would I tell anyone? When would I do it?] but fortunately because I had been reading about the brain and depression [I am no expert on it nor a psychologist], I understood how MY brain kind of works so I know that wanting to do it as opposed to just feeling suicidal was a serious turn in the road [Pretty obvious isn’t it?] and sought out help. I went to my doctors and demanded to see a councillor but there was a 9 month wait [even to people deemed a suicide risk..] so I jumped online and found a local private one and paid for it myself because I knew that this time I needed help.

It’s now about 4 months after my initial downward spiral [I generally managed to ‘teach’ myself how to push through a bout within two weeks] and only now I am starting to feel like me again and putting the pieces of my life back together.

So there you have it, my short story. I’ve had this website for so long that it has become a dusty attic of the internet but I plan to change that starting with a number of things.

Even though there are plenty of resources online; I’d like to try and help other people whose brains don’t like working the same way as everyone else [I don’t like to say we suffer with it. We just have to learn to deal with the darkness that accompanies us through life] by adding whatever I can for people to use. Whether it is my very limit knowledge; spreadsheets to help manage your mood or other ideas. If it helps one person; then I have succeeded.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Jason Prosser